The Box

I remember watching Little Women back in 1994 and during the movie the main character, Jo, tries to get her writing published.  It's her dream to be a published author.  She tries to write a fictional fantasy about dungeons and dragons a story where Lords and Ladies go on a quest to find love, slay dragons, and more.

She approaches publisher after publisher and each time she's turned down because her name is Josephine March, she's a woman and women don't write.

I think the movie had a large impact on me growing up.  I see myself as a lot like Jo but also like the oldest child in the story, Meg.  I don't fit into any particular mould of who I feel I should be as a woman and especially I find, who I am as a Christian woman.  I'm feisty though I appear quiet. The difference between me and Jo is that Jo's character is outspoken and pushes boundaries and takes her own path despite the risks where for myself, though internally I may feel a certain way, I also feel a certain pressure to live up to other people's expectations.  I guess I'm a people pleaser, but despite how I try, I fumble like Jo, and I don't necessarily live up to everyone's expectations.  

It's hard being a passionate progressive Christian woman.

It's possible that all of us experience these kinds of feelings at one time or another but maybe we don't talk about it when we don't quite fit in a box.  We're kind of between a few different ones. Too conservative for one, too progressive for another.  Maybe it's more common than I imagine and we're all sitting around feeling weird and slightly out of place at times or like we don't really know what we're doing?

This could be partially why we often find ourselves on Pinterest clicking through pictures of other people's perfect houses, perfect cookies, perfect children, perfect. . perfect. . perfect.. .

Which box will we fit in today?

Do we really have to choose just one?

I often feel a deep burning in my heart.  It's a passion perhaps a strength but at times a curse. Sometimes I say something really stupid because of it but, like I said, I'm feisty and sometimes I just feel angry about some injustice or just mildly irritating and slightly disappointed like yesterday.

Yesterday I was looking at Christian women's retreats online and I realized why I don't fit in. I'm not in the box.  My box is perhaps orange and their box is, I don't know, purple.  Their idea of fun is sitting around making crafts and painting their nails and although I wouldn't be totally against those things should the opportunity arise where I was already somewhere it wouldn't be on my top 10 list of things to do with my time and it's unlikely that I would travel somewhere specifically to do those things.

Well, I read the retreat form wrong.

I started reading the women's retreat information and my eyes skipped a few lines and I saw "skeet shooting" and "riflery" and my heart skipped a beat.  Although it's not really something I would think to sign up for regularly it sounded totally interesting! I was pumped!

. . And then I saw that I was reading about the men's retreat. . . 

Yup, don't fit in any of those boxes. . .

*sigh*

. . .And we said Good Bye

On the first day we met her she didn't come with much.  A small diaper bag, a soother stuffed in her mouth, a bottle and a scruffy blanket.  We were leaving to go camping in two days and life had happened and so she was sent to us.  We weren't really sure what to expect but soon we were introduced to a whirlwind of joy that hit the floor running.  We found ourselves at Walmart at 10pm buying clothes for a child we'd just met.  She wasn't our biggest fan then. She didn't like shopping carts, she didn't know us, and things were a little crazy. . .after all we were going camping in two days and she didn't really have any clothes to wear.

She was only a toddler and she was a busy one at that and that camping trip was one of the most memorable, and least organized ones I have ever been on in my life but the kids had fun! Bubbles were blown, rocks discovered, there was swimming and precious hand clapping, and dancing from a new little child shaking her tiny bum back and forth and circling in dizzy circles in a camp church hall. She just couldn't stay away from the music!

Yes, that weekend was crazy.  A weekend stay turned into a week and we settled into routine, a week into a month and a month into nearly six.  It's crazy how time flies!

There was joy and, of course, there were challenges.  Sisterly fights, temper tantrums, bad dreams, bumps and bruises and illness.

She felt as much my child as our own even though unlike our daughter she rarely wanted to be hugged, though every night before bed we offered and almost every night she hid under her blanket and said "no".

So that day, as I stood in our hallway and helped gather her bags and told her I loved her and that she was going to go home, this time for good, I watched, to my surprise, as her arms wrapped around me in the tightest hug, head on my shoulder, warmth of her body encompassing my body and she held me there tightly as if she truly understood, until it was time to leave.

Her worker came back then and I handed her over and she smiled and waved and said "Bye Mommy and Daddy."

Those words melted my heart and I fought back tears as I watched the door close.

Good bye little one!

Good luck!

We'll miss you!

We hope you have a wonderful life with your family with many many happy memories!

10 Years Ago. . .This is me

This is me in February of 2005.  I would have been 22 at the time.  Physically I haven't really changed that much over the years.  I have a few more wrinkles and some grey hairs but overall photos of me don't look that different.

This photo brings back strong memories, memories that at times I'd perhaps like to forget.

It was taken by my boyfriend at the time.  I was "dropping by" to see him at work.  He worked security at a dealership at the time and this is a picture of me in the security car with him.

I look happy, but I wasn't really.

I probably was at that very moment but sometimes pictures don't tell the whole story, just pieces and long story short, he wasn't a very nice person.

Luckily, things change.  I left him in early 2006 and found my own way.  I think the only good thing that came out of the relationship was that I got my ears pierced. The one time being yelled at and called names and then being tricked into doing something led to something I had actually wanted to do for a long time.

I had to basically hit the bottom to get back to the top.  You could think of it as falling down an old, abandoned, dark well. You aren't expecting it because you didn't see the well in the beginning because the well was boarded up and covered in beautiful thick grass but now you're trapped and cold, scared and probably a bit sad.

To begin with I was happy, he was wonderful and I was shown off as his princess.  Other girls were jealous of me and people would tell me how lucky I was to have him.  I wanted it to work and he seemed great. . .until he wasn't, but I didn't blame him.  By then "I" was the problem.  Clearly I needed to develop a sense of humour/ try harder/ dress differently or stop talking to those people (my friends) and everything would be fine.

Eventually I'd lost every part of who "I" was. I was depressed. Night after night I cried myself to sleep worrying about what I'd done to displease him, begging him "please please don't leave me", promising to try harder.

Luckily there was light in the darkness.  I decided that my relationship wasn't the problem in my life but that I must be unhappy because I had a college diploma but was working at a Subway.  So I moved back in with my parents to look for a "real job".

Our original plan was that I would move down, find work, then rent us an apartment and he'd join me.  It became clear though eventually that that was never his plan.  He expected me to fail but I didn't. First, I found work and then I re-established connections with old high school friends.  Soon I was out with the girls, going out for drinks after work with friends, etc.  My confidence was coming back and his increasingly angry, jealous phone calls were showing me who he really was.  Except this time I didn't blame myself for his actions.

In February 2006 I dumped him and in November 2006, after a few months of being free to be me again, I met my now husband.  We dated from November 11, 2006 to November 11, 2007 before he pooped the question. We were married on May 3, 2008.

Luckily he's nothing like the guy who took that first picture.

So who is the woman in the second photo?  Well, I've changed a lot.  Now that I'm 32, I'm not the timid mouse I used to be in 2005.  Instead of pretending to have confidence I actually do have a lot more than I did, though I'm sure we could all use a bit more some days. I have an opinion about a lot of things and I generally only share those opinions with my husband unless asked as by nature I'm a peacemaker. I follow my heart, and at times I am sometimes probably too caring,  I'm a mom and I'm currently a foster parent and sometimes I'm even a blogger. . .sometimes. 

Hoping that this coming year I'll actually get around to sharing more here than last. . .

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 19

I know I've made some stupid mistakes over the years and this post was supposed to be on regrets but despite the mistakes I've made I don't really regret anything.

I wonder at times how the outcome might have been if I'd done things a bit differently but the decisions I made and the experiences I've had shaped me into the person I am today.

So, like the banner says "there are no regrets in life. . .just lessons." I've learned what not to do, I've learned who to trust and who not to trust, and I've grown significantly as a person through my experiences.

I'm more confident with myself, more accepting of who I am and more willing to stand up for what I believe in because I can claim those beliefs as my own.

My path in life wasn't a straight one, more of an off road adventure.  It was a bit wild at times and pretty messy but also a lot of fun at times.  If I hadn't made some stupid decisions then some of the good things in my life may not have happened in the end - like meeting and eventually marrying my husband. :) Timing is everything.

Like many people have said over the years, you won't regret what you did but what you didn't do and at this point I'm trying to experience everything I want to get out of life.

So. . .
Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt.  Sing like nobody's listening; and live life like it's heaven on earth.

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 8

Looking back on my life it is hard to pinpoint one particular moment that I felt most satisfied because there have been many.

For instance, there was the day that my parents dropped me off at residence for college.  I was newly 19 at the time.  I expected everyone to move in on "move in day" but no one in my unit did.  They moved their stuff in but not themselves.  So late at night I sat alone on the common room couch looking over the parking lot of my new home watching other people and listening to the sounds of a new city.  My new home.

I was excited and nervous at the time but couldn't wait to start a new life!  It was a fresh start with a chance to reinvent myself and I couldn't wait to experience all of what life had to throw at me!

In 2008 my husband and I were FINALLY married. lol.  We got engaged on November 11, 2007 and from that point until May 3, 2008 when we were married life was hectic to say the least.  I lost my job in December of '07 and meanwhile we had been putting out quite a lot of money to pay for a wedding.  Luckily I found a new job (at McDonald's) in January '08 so finances weren't as tight but I was also going to school online for Human Resources Management and working as a volunteer event planner and as a landlord in the house I lived in. 

As we progressed in wedding planning we were dismayed to find that everyone and the kitchen sink had an idea of how they wanted the wedding to be.  My parents wanted an elaborate elegant affair with the ceremony at their church, I wanted an outdoor wedding on a lake and my mother in law helped keep us sane with very few requests. lol.

My sisters wanted bridesmaids dresses that didn't make them look bad.  They wanted to look "sexy".  I wanted them to wear silver shoes but my mom refused to put out the money on new shoes when they had "perfectly good church shoes already in white."

Everything was falling apart and I was always in tears.

On the day of the wedding it poured rain.  Luckily we had decided to get married in our church.  (not my parents' church).  I've heard the ceremony was beautiful but I really wasn't fully aware of it despite participating in it. lol.  The whole thing was a blur until we got to the key words "I now pronounce you man and wife. . you may kiss the bride!"  A flood of relief washed over me at that very moment!  OMG WE DID IT!! IT'S OVER!!!!  I had a gigantic smile on my face. :)

There was so much hopefulness in that very moment.  Looking forward to the future.  A future of us!  We had gotten through so much and things were going to be amazing from then on!   It was definitely a moment to remember.  

It, like the other moments, was a moment that I felt most satisfied with my life.

I hope to have many more of those satisfying moments in the future. . .:)