Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Perfect To Me

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're f-ing perfect to me
(Pink -

This song always gets to me and makes me cry. Tonight I thought of it while I was holding my daughter in her bed until she fell asleep. With her little eyes closed I thought about how very "perfect" she is.

Sure she runs around the house completely nude at times, destroys everything in sight and can drive me mad with her constant repeating of words or activities but deep down I hope to have an amazing relationship with her. One that my mom and I never had.

I grew up less than perfect. I always had horrible grades, I didn't clean my room and my parents complained constantly about just how very imperfect I was. I sang too loudly, stayed up too late, didn't work hard enough, didn't respect them or listen to them or so they said. I was incredibly depressed living with my parents and I'm grateful to God that I was given the opportunity to get away from there by going to college.

There I found myself, a far different self from what I was but along the way I stumbled and was very definitely "less than perfect". I look back on those days and I will have to live with some of those decisions for the rest of my life.

As Pink says in her song, I was mistreated and misunderstood. It began with my parents and continued, though differently, through my relationships eventually resulting in a deep blow to my entire being.

Luckily God brought me out of that situation and eventually led me to find and marry my husband who treats me well and understands what I've been through but still, I find at times that I am overwhelmed with fear and I think it will take a long time to get that out of my head.

It's been almost 6 years now since I left my ex so at this point I honestly can't see him tracking me down but it's always there. I fear couriers the most when they come unexpectedly. I get this lump in my throat and a cold sweat as I question myself whether or not I should buzz them in. Sometimes they sound like him. Sometimes I think he's found me and when the delivery driver has left I take a deep breath and my whole self goes with it. I cry and praise God that once again it was someone else and then I think of how stupid I am for being so afraid in the first place. I'm grateful that now that we have cable I can see them before I let them in. I never ever want my daughter to go through what I did.

So, pretty pretty please don't you ever believe darling daughter that you need someone else to be perfect. That you need someone like that. I will always be here for you and you are perfect just the way you are.

I love you.

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